What I want

‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ asked the teacher

‘Happy’ said John Lennon

‘You didn’t understand the assignment’ they told him

He said ‘they didn’t understand life’

I wish I could have said that when my second grade teacher asked me the same question. But then, I being a lesser mortal that I am, said ‘astronaut Mam’ with pride twinkling in my eyes. There had been a science exhibition at school the previous day and the model of the solar system captivated my imagination for the rest of the day and whole of the night. A few days passed and with my memory, my ‘ambition’ too faded away

I loved to dance. I had been dancing since I was 3. School annual day function, 1997 - 4^th grade. I got the opportunity to choreograph a group of 5 boys and lead the dance performance. It was a massive hit, the ovation was addictive. I decided I wanted to become a dancer. I dreamed for the next few days of me becoming a huge star in the showbiz, millions of fans dying to get my autograph, never ending proposals from female fans and tons of money pouring in - Well this one instance, I have to admit I still dream of all these things

1998 – India vs Australia ODI series, Sharjah. Sachin Tendulkar was at his marauding best and the Aussies had no clue how to stop him. ‘The desert storm’ we fondly call the series. I would pay today to watch the same look on Shane Warne’s face when Sachin danced down the track and lofted him over the mid-on boundary again and again and again. I was left speechless at the man’s genius. That’s when I made my mind that I wanted to become a cricketer, an opening batsman at that. Nothing was going to stop me

9^th grade, I was 14 years old. The computers were beginning to take a stronghold of the day-to-day happenings of the planet. May be since long before but that was when I realised. I was fascinated by what that box could do just by hitting a few keys. One day during computer class, I got a program right at the first try after it was taught to us. My eyes lit up looking at the monitor, I knew at that moment, what I was going to do with my life. I was going to be a ‘computer engineer’. I would go on to learn that the term was ‘software engineer’. I again fantasized about how I would work in a huge company with air conditioned glass buildings, flying abroad, marrying in an island, getting my children to study in the most expensive of schools, etc, etc.

But by the time I finished my tenth grade, it was clear that computer programming and I were simply ‘mutually exclusive’. I couldn’t find a better term to describe our relationship. We just couldn’t exist together in the same room. We broke up, and I moved on

I had kept my options open and had taken up Math and Bio when I had to choose a group for my higher secondary. It didn’t take long for me to discover that Math didn’t come to me naturally too. I had somehow managed to do decently well until tenth grade but this was a different ball game altogether. A ‘violent’ teacher didn’t make things any better. Towards the end of school, I hated Math more than anything in my life

Board exam results were out and I had scored 199 in Biology – I myself couldn’t believe my eyes when I looked at it the first time. I didn’t want to be a doctor because I knew I didn’t have the mettle to get through the entrance exam, let alone completing the course. And suddenly, Biology seemed to be the future. Research in the fields of Microbiology and Biotechnology seemed to be the next big thing and I sure wanted to be a part of it. And also it was high time I got back to reality in my life

I took up Microbiology for my under graduation. The first few sessions in the lab were enthralling. I was sure I had finally made the right choice in life. But yet again, painfully, I began to lose interest. Invisible organisms magnified under the microscopic lens didn’t appeal to me anymore. The lab looked to me a mere room filled with machines. I wasn’t able to appreciate the magnitude of their applications. Experiments went unfinished and the autoclave stunk. I just couldn’t hold on, I gave up

I didn’t drop out of college, I was determined to stay – for a few other reasons too. It was the end of second year and I still didn’t know what to do with my life. And then, out of nowhere, MBA came beckoning and I knew I had to take it, for a decent career. I didn’t have much choice. It was not about dreaming anymore, it was about survival, it was about respect

I worked hard and made sure I got into a reputed institution. I fared pretty well through the course and today, I am sitting here as Management consultant – a term I hadn’t even heard of a few months ago – in an investment banking and market research company. No doubt, the salary package is decent, there is no pressure whatsoever at work (I wrote this post sitting at office), I’m never home during weekends, there are a good bunch of friends around me, the future looks secure.

But, every morning when I wake up, I stare straight into it, its right in front of me, like a monster – THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT.

So, what do I want?

How I wish, more than anything else, I knew the answer to it.